The elephant in the room.

2.5 years. 

I've been doing Weight Watchers for 2.5 years. Uh say what? That's almost $1,200.00 on 30 lbs. yes. That's legit. 

I've lost 30-40 lbs total. I've gained back 10. And I'm still doing weight watchers. Uh or paying to do weight watchers. 

And yet, for some reason it doesn't click ever. 

I've lusted over Mama laughlin for years. But yet it still doesn't matter. And why? 

My dad died at 53 of a massive heart attack. Do you know what that means? Excessive build up of plaque in his arteries...from bad chlorostrol. From food he choose to put in his mouth. Yet. It still hasn't fully clicked. 

My mom has lost almost 100 lbs in the 2 years since his death. She's doing amazing. One would think I would be inspired. But yet it still hasn't fully happend. 

Yes I've lost weight. But not enough by any means. 

I'll go balls to the wall and stop. Why? 

Do I want my children to know what this feels like? No. I don't wish this on my worst enemy. But yet I still make no long term changes. I'm maintaining so I'm subconsciously making some "right" choices. But not enough. 

I want to see my grandchildren grow up. I want to live until I'm 90 with the hubs. I want to retire and travel the world. Or really just go to Junk gypsy headquarters in Texas. But I have living to do. And it's going to pass me by.

I actually loved running. Yup. Haven't done that in months. Why? It's the cheapest therapy you will ever find. 

Maybe I need to become accountable to someone else. Maybe making this post will hold me accountable to others. 

I'm tired of this. But is it enough to make the final change? 

Pic on left is from 2 years ago. Pic on right recent. 

I feel like its so hard to line up all my the ducks in a row to always be successful. My life is so hectic. My husband eats like a 15 year old boy and gains no weight. He always works his ass off everyday. (Again why doesn't that click?!) 

It's hard. And I'm the ONLY one who can want this. Or want this to work. It's going to be a struggle for me my entire life. I like wine a lot. That's not too helpful. However if I would exersice or move maybe I could drink like a fish. I say I'm going to join the gym. That lasted 2 weeks. I mean what else does it take for motivation? 

I can't be the only person who has such a hard time with balancing it all. Being a wife, making wonderful dinner, being a Mom, giving the kids special treats, (they LOVE doughnuts) and I have no will power, cleaning, running a business and my newest position helping at my aunts bakery! A bakery?!???? Say what! Maybe it will have a reverse affect and I won't want any of it. Doubtful. 

Perhaps I'll start a weekly weigh in. Maybe I will get super personal for my 5 followers and lay it all on the table. 

Or maybe I'll lock myself in my closet and eat cookies. I mean I bought pumpkin cheesecake cookies. Ugh that was helpful. Smart ass. 

Random but is never know how to end a post. 

So I guess I'll start doing post on if I'm losing or gaining. 

And this is in my inbox. 

I mean really Starbucks?